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Monday, March 28, 2011

A nice day

It's finally a nice day the sun is out and the kids are out playing but I have had all my energy taken away I find myself cleaning non stop which keeps my mind away from all the emotions I have and I love spending time with my kids but I get so upset feel so alone I quickly want to rush home and find something to take my mind off of what I feel I don't want to go out I never have anything to do I look forward to 7pm so I can give the kids a bath and get them ready for bed not because I want to get them to sleep because it is something to do that I can put my whole energy into and focus on....which takes time and I am with my kids I think we go to Walmart everyday and that is the most we EVER do we never have plans nor have anyone to hang out with never get invited out or have anyone to talk to I am not myself anymore and am not even with Brandon and before I go on I would like to say this is my blog and my life I don't embarrass ANYONE my friends and family are the only who read this and I want to write how I feel it helps ME makes me feel better to vent sometimes because I am holding so much in I just get sad and have no one to talk to I am tired I am in constant pain everyday living with Fibro I don't care what people think about "medication" and me taking it because they dont know how it feels to live with this HORRIFIC pain where you want to drop to your knees and just cry where it hurts so much I shake and almost faint so if you have a comment about me or about what I write email ME don't talk to every one and guess what I am actually talking about and what it means when I say I am sad I don't embarrass my husband in anyway I could write the most embarrassing detail about myself and my husband would say screw what people think you are you and don't hold back anymore this is my therapy writing and I don't have to hear an opinion right back I don't get judged when I am writing after people read it maybe but it makes me feel free and right now I am trying to force myself to get the energy to take my kids somewhere but I know the only place I want to be is in my house...this post will be staying up and wont be taken down for any reason

4 comments:

Derek and Lori

Carissa,
Again, I am sorry that you are having a rough time. Being a mom is HARD, especially when you are young and far away from family. When the girls were young, I put them in local rec. center dance and gym classes. That way, I had somewhere to go, most days. It can feel so lonely being home with little ones. Find something local that is cheap and fun. It will also help you meet some other moms with kids the same age. Now, here is my "mom" advice to you....if you are really feeling sad, go see a dr./counselor. They will help you so much, and there is no stigma attached to it. Do what makes you feel better. We love you and want the very best for you.
Love Aunt Lori

Live.Laugh.Love

Thank you very much I did take the advice and was very scared about telling the doctor how I felt but the problem is I am allergic to many many medications I am in the process of trying another but I am looking forward to summer I have to get out of this house things seemed better in the summer I was able to get the kids out every day and at least talk to other mothers at the park today I took the kids to at least three parks and I met a bunch of people...Cadon goes to school this year and I am already planning on going to school myself and getting a part time job believe it or not I really am excited about getting a job and have some independence

Derek and Lori

Good for you Carissa. I started my job about a year ago. I also needed to get out. Besides having no little ones anymore. I love working. It is only a couple of days a week, but so fun to be out with people. Hang in there....summer is almost here!!!!

KRyStal

Hey my sista!

I know we had a lot of fun the whole month while you were here and seeing Cadon, Ryan, and Kylina together playing was awesome I know they had a ball too and it's just times they will never forget i'm sure. Definatly when Cadon starts school it will be different he's going to come home with so many stories too. I think getting him into like soccer or just a rec sport for fun will be good for him and it will help him make friends and learn how to work with other kids as a team. Also how cool will it be to watch him playing and having fun at a game! Just an Idea :) I couldn't imagine though being away from your family that knows you for who you are it's gotta be tough but you are a strong woman (if Jacob was your older brother you know what i'm talking about) haha. One day soon though we will come out there and visit you and be able to make good memories at your beautiful home I see pics of!

i'm only a phone call away remember! <3